Monday, November 7, 2011

Things I'd love to tell you

It's been so long since I've posted a real update, and there are a slew of things I'd love to tell you.

- Things on the medical front are wonderful - we had a few little bumps in the road, but Aidan is on track and doing wonderfully.
- Because of our medical speedbumps, I've had to give up nursing - but it's been a wonderful and freeing thing.  I enjoyed the time I was able to breastfeed, but it's come to a reasonable and logical conclusion.
- My mental health has never been better - with things going so right, I can't help but be deliriously happy :)
- I've been surrounding myself with good friends who keep me grounded, sane, and laughing.
- I totally don't even notice the arthritis anymore.

I would *love* to tell you all of those things and more.  I'd really love to.  But that's not reality - not even a funhouse mirror "kinda sorta" approximation of reality.

The reality is, things aren't going well.  As a human adult/wife/mom, I am falling apart.

As you probably already know, we are really struggling with Aidan medically.  He's been taken off food and put onto Rx formula.  Feeding is a nightmare that really requires its own post.  Suffice it to say, for now, that he's barely eating and is only getting about half of the minimum caloric intake he needs.  Nothing we try is helping, and we've tried pretty much everything.

Because of our medical mishaps, I've had to stop nursing.  It's painful (yes, still), and it makes me miserable.  This is not how I wanted this to end.  I miss it, a lot, and even though it's wonderful to see him so much happier, I am feeling worse and worse about not nursing.  I feel like he doesn't need me anymore.  I know how stupid that sounds, but there you go.

I'm miserable.  I love my husband and son but I hate my life.  I don't want to blog or take pictures or make memories, because I don't want to remember this time.

I've been pushing all of my friends away.  Most people don't understand or know what to say.  And I don't feel like a good enough person to listen to other people's problems right now.

And I'm still in awful pain, all the time, unless I'm on meds.  I'm 27.  It's really just not fair.


  1. I'm so sorry you are still having such a hard time. I know it might not be what you want to hear, but have you tried talking with a professional about how you are feeling? You are right, it is not fair for you to be in pain and miserable all of the time. I hope you are able to find what you need soon. ((HUGS))

  2. Oh yes, for sure yes. I have a wonderful psychologist who I see as often as my schedule and insane new copay allow.