Sunday, April 22, 2012

30 Days of Honesty (and one dare) - Day 22

Day 22 — Allowing another person to fully love me means they must…

Accept all of the worst parts of me.  A relationship with a man that I truly loved ended because of my emotional baggage.  I can't say that I'm sorry it happened - it was, after all, part of how I came to be the woman I am today, married to the man I'm married to, and mother of a child that is the absolute light of my life.  I'm happy with these choices, but I'll put them aside for a moment, just for the sake of this question.

My ex was a simple guy.  No mind games.  He loved me, I loved him.  He wanted to be with me, I wanted to be with him.  We did these things together, we did those things separately, there really isn't much more to hope for in a happy relationship.  Just acceptance.

That's where he struggled.

I've dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life.  When I don't treat my anxiety and depression, I also start to have some manic episodes.  The best way to describe it is that when life is good, I can't get enough of it.  Eating, sleeping, sitting still - these are time wasters, to be avoided at all costs.  During those times, I stay up all night cleaning an already-clean house, grocery shop at least once or twice every day, and buy insane amounts of clothes that aren't my size and I have no intention of wearing.

It never lasts though.  Because when life isn't good, I sink down very, very low.  I cry.  All. The. Time.  I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to be IN bed, I just despise myself and my own skin.

It's a rollercoaster.  I don't know how anyone deals with it, but my ex wasn't able to, and so he found himself unable to continue loving such a damaged girl.  This was the biggest heartbreak of my life, but it was his choice.  To love someone fully, you must accept them at their very worst, and he couldn't.

It's not impossible.  It's just so, so hard.  But years later, I fund the man who could, and did.  And you know what?  He's not so perfect either.

Full List of Participants for the 30 Days of Blogging Honesty (and 1 dare)
Cherlyn Cochrane, Jenn MikoLJ, Melanie, Last Civilized Woman, Princesa Musang, Primadonna Zel, Caroline, Koi, Aurathena, Terriblethinker, Sleep and Salami, Marliz3e, Prysmatique, DLonelyStarAnonymousBurn, Nicole, Sylvia Garza, Mariana, Nenskei, MyNakedBokkie, Bluefiadiarries, VeehCirra, Bannatreasures, Sajeev, HappyhippieroseTheFerkel, Tom Baker, *Sofia, *Everything Love & Lust, *TemptingSweets99, Sites with an * contain NSFW material. If erotic or sexual material is offensive to you, please do not visit these three blogs.

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